Cooking With Bob & Berta

January 25, 2023
JD Kirk

It’s Burns Night, and to mark this momentous occasion I’m delighted to be handing over control of the blog to Robert and Roberta Hoon, for what is the first, and very probably the last, of their ‘Cooking with Bob & Berta’ segments. The transcript that follows was taken from Bob’s kitchen, where both Hoons worked together to create this special dish.

I take no responsibility for the content that follows, or for any food poisoning that may be caused by following the recipe. I’m assured it’s perfectly edible, but I’m making no promises. Enjoy!

The Rabbie Burnsitto

Berta: For fuck’s sake. “Rabbie Burnsitto”? Is that meant to be a pun?
Bob: It’s no’ meant to be a pun, it is a fucking pun.
Berta: Aye, well, it’s a shite pun.
Bob: Shut the fuck up. It works if you drag it out. “Rabbie Burrrrrrnsitto.”
Berta: Aye, you keep fucking telling yourself that, Bobby. But you’re wrong. It doesn’t work. It’s about as funny as a broken arse.
Bob: It’s a pun. It’s no’ meant to be fucking funny!
Berta: Oh, well you’ve nailed it then, in that case.
Bob: Jesus Christ, will you shut up? We’re meant to be doing a fucking thing.
Berta: What thing?
Bob: The thing! The fucking recording thing. For all them fuckwits to follow what we’re making.
Berta: Is this on the telly?
Bob: Is it fuck on the telly. You wish it was on the telly. They can’t show your face until after the fucking nine o’clock watershed, Berta, you know that.
Berta: Well what’s it for, then?
Bob: I don’t know. Some fucking internet thing.
Berta: Christ. It’ll be all paedos and weirdoes, then.
Bob: Aye, probably. Can we just get on with it, do you think? I’m growing a fucking beard here.
Berta: Well, go on then! Do whatever the fuck it is we’re meant to be doing.
Bob: Right. Good. OK. (Deep breath) Hello.
Berta: What?
Bob: (Sigh) I said ‘Hello.’
Berta: Aye, I heard you. The fuck are you saying hello for?
Bob: For the thing! For the fucking… For the internet thing! I’m no’ saying it to you, am I?
Berta: Well how the fuck am I supposed to know?
Bob: Common fucking sense, woman! Why would I be saying ‘hello,’ to you? I’ve been sat here with you for the last two fucking hours.
Berta: Exactly! That’s why I got confused. I thought, ‘What the fuck’s he saying “hello” for?’
Bob: Right. Can we just… Can we get on with it?
Berta: Don’t let me stop you.
Bob: Right. Good. (Deep breath) Hello.
Berta: Hello.
Bob: No! For fuck–

<Break in Recording>

Bob: Right, so when I want you to talk, I’ll wink, alright?

Berta: You’re not winking.
Bob: Jesus fucking– There! See? You see that?
Berta: Is that you winking, or are you having a fucking stroke?

<Break in Recording>

Bob: Right. Hello–don’t you fucking say anything–I’m Bob, and I’m here with this trumpet full of shite to show you our twist on a classic haggis, neeps, and tatties recipe. Don’t fucking ask me why, because your guess is as good as mine, but it’s happening, so let’s all just fucking knuckle down and get through it, so we can put it all behind us as quickly as humanly fucking possible. Sound good?
Berta: Did you just call me a trumpet full of shite?
Bob: Anyway, this recipe is one of my own creation, though I’m sure other bastard’s going to come out of the fucking woodwork and say they did it first, but tough shite. I’m fucking claiming it, and if you want to dispute that, you can just come and fucking do it to my face, alright?
Berta: I hope it’s that fucking Jamie Oliver. I’d love to see that smug wee turd’s face panned in.
Bob: Anyway, none of this stuff was made from scratch, because who’s got the fucking time for that?
Berta: And because you’re a lazy bastard.
Bob: I didn’t exactly see you fucking volunteering to mash tatties for me.
Berta: I’ll mash your fucking tatties, if you’re no’ careful.
Bob: Shut up. Right, here’s what you’ll need…

Bob: Berta, do you want to talk us through that lot?
Berta: Do I fuck.
Bob: Jesus Christ. Fine. I’ll do it. What you’ll need is:

  1. Haggis, one of.
    This is actually a vegetarian haggis, because no bastard told me I was doing this until about forty-five-fucking minutes ago, and there was hee-haw of the proper ones left in the shop. Ideally, we’ll all be too pissed to notice, though, so it shouldn’t make any odds.
  2. Tatties, mashed
    Feel free to do this properly and mash your own, but I couldn’t be arsed.
  3. Neeps, mashed
    You might call it turnip of Swede, but I don’t, because I’m no an arsehole. It’s a fucking neep. Deal wi’ it.
  4. Tortilla wraps
    Budget one for everyone who’s eating, or two if your moose of a fucking sister is dining with you.
  5. Sauce
    Your choice. Whisky is a good one. Peppercorn? Aye, fine. Tomato? Fuck off.

Bob: Right, then. Let’s get this show on the fucking road, will we? Take one of your wraps and lay it flat like I just showed you.
Berta: You didn’t show me anything.
Bob: No’ you! The fucking… the guys on the internet.
Berta: The paedos?
Bob: Aye, them. They’ll see, I don’t know, a fucking picture or something. You can take the photos, by the way.
Berta: How the fuck am I meant to take photos? I’ve no’ got a camera.
Bob: Aye you do! You’ve got that camera I got you for your Christmas.
Berta: What camera?
Bob: The fuck do you mean, ‘what camera’? The camera. The only fucking camera you got.
Berta: Was that a camera? I thought it was a phone. That’ll be why nobody’s rung me on it.

<Long Pause>

Bob: Fuck’s sake. Forget I asked. I’ll just do the fucking photos myself, will I?
Berta: Works for me.
Bob: Right. On your tortilla wrap, spread out your haggis, your neeps, and your tatties like this.

Berta: Christ All-fucking-mighty, Bobby. Look at the state of that.
Bob: What’s wrong with it?
Berta: It looks like dysentery made itself a fucking flag.
Bob: Right, admittedly it doesn’t look that appetising yet–
Berta: Appetising?! What, you mean people are meant to fucking eat that?!
Bob: Aye, they’re meant to… What the fuck did you think we were doing?
Berta: I wouldn’t fill a hole in a fucking wall with that, never mind my stomach.
Bob: Just shut the fuck up! This was only meant to take five minutes. We’ll be here for fucking hours at this rate.

<Berta muttering too quietly for the recording>

Bob: Right, where the fuck was I? Oh, aye. Spread that out like that. Add cheese if you want. I mean, it’s already pretty fucking sacrilegious as far as Burns Suppers go, so fuck it, put on what you like. Stick a fucking pickled onion in it if you want, it’s no skin off my nose.
Berta: I used to love a pickled onion. Got them from Gary at the chippie, mind? One leg longer than the other. Mind him? Had to do a figure of eight to get to the till. Course, he was completely number illiterate, too, so it was the luck of the fucking draw what you’d get charged. Can’t do them now, of course. I’d be tasting the vinegary wee fuckers for weeks. And so would you.
Bob: That’s a fucking lovely image for a cooking segment, Berta. Thanks for that.
Berta: You’re welcome.
Bob: Anyway, wrap them up however you like. Burritos are the sort of parcel ones, I think? Or is that a fucking enchilada?
Berta: Is that no’ a mole?
Bob: Eh?
Berta: An enchilada? Is that no’ a wee fucking Spanish mole, or something?
Bob: No. It’s a Mexican food. Burritos, enchiladas, quesadillas–I mean, they’re all the fucking same thing, just wrapped in a different way. It’s like Mexican Origami, or something. So, just wrap them in whatever way floats your fucking boat. And, while we’re at it, fuck it, let’s sprinkle some cheese on top.

Berta: Well, that cheese is going to get burnt to fuck, I’ll tell you that for free.
Bob: I don’t care. Just fucking sling it in the oven.
Berta: What temperature?
Bob: Hot. I don’t fucking… Just a hot oven. Two hundred. That’s the only one you fucking need, anyway. Everything cooks at two hundred degrees.
Berta: What’s that in American? Because they do it different over there, don’t they? They do it the way everyone else in the world used to fucking do it, but then moved on from. But no’ those bastard. No’, they’re fucking clinging to that Farenheit scale for as long as they can, aren’t they? Mind you, this is probably for the Scottish internet, isn’t it? No’ the American one. So, I don’t suppose it matters.

<Long Pause>

Bob: What the fuck are you talking about?
Berta: Just get on with it, my feet are fucking killing me.
Bob: Right, sling it in the a hot oven for some time. Maybe, like, fifteen minutes? Fuck knows. That sounds about right. If it comes out burnt, it’s too long, and you’ve arsed it. If it comes out raw, then put it back in.
Berta: It isn’t Rocky Science.
Bob: The fuck did you just say?
Berta: What? I’m just agreeing with you, aren’t I? I’m saying it’s not Rocky Science.
Bob: Rocky Science? What the fuck is…? <Sighs> Forget it.
Berta: He got punched in the head a lot, didn’t he?
Bob: Who? Rocky?
Berta: Aye! So he’s thick as fuck. Rocky Science.

<Long Pause>

Bob: Are you taking the piss? Why the fuck would it be ‘Rocky Science,’ in that case, if it means… No. No, forget it. We’re so fucking close to the end here. Stop that tape, I’m going to get a drink.

<Break in Recording>

Bob: …back on?
Berta: I don’t know.
Bob: Is the light on?
Berta: Well, how the fuck would you be seeing me now if the light wasn’t on?
Bob: On the thing! No’ the fucking kitchen light! The wee light on the fucking thing!
Berta: Oh. Right. Aye. That’s on.
Bob: Good. OK. So, where are we? Oh, aye. The finished result.

Berta: You could’ve used a clean plate.
Bob: Button your fucking wheesht. It’s clean enough. And it’s no’ looking that bad, eh? See the wee arty smear of sauce? That’s how all your fucking top chefs do it. You’ll need more than that, mind, because it’s probably drier than a badger’s chuff. Personally, I’d fucking slather it on so it was drowning in the stuff, but it’s your call. So, eh, aye. That’s it. The Rabbie Burnsitto. When I say it out loud, it does sound a bit shite, I’ll give you, but it’s too fucking late to think of anything else. Berta, anything you’d like to add?
Berta: I told you that cheese’d get burnt.
Bob: Anything nice you’d like to add?

<Long pause>

Berta: No.

Thanks to Bob and Berta for their contribution to the blog, and good luck if you attempt their recipe. Let us know in the comments what you’ve thought of this guest post, and they might do some more in the future. And, if you’re celebrating Robert Burns this evening, Slàinte Mhaith!

Want more of Bob and Berta Hoon? Eastgate is out now!



  1. Fiona

    Chuckling aloud here in Elgin. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Vicky Green

      Oh my god I’m tittering so much.
      Love that, they definitely need to get on Masterchef 😂

      • John

        They’d be right at home with Gordon Ramsey

        • Michael

          Brilliant 😂😂😂

          • Valerie Ferguson

            Your moose of a sister😂😂😂

        • Tetel

          I laughed so much it hurt
          Loved the way they talked.

        • Carolyn

          That was so funny. Brilliant

      • Tony

        Well that was a nice little bonus. Loved it. Not sure I’d eat it though!

        • Kate

          I rarely laugh at breakfast, but this did it. Thanks a lot, now I have to wipe up the tea I spluttered…. 🙄

          A fan on the east coast of Canada

          • Lynn

            That’s cheered me up no end some more please

      • John Murphy

        Mexican origami, brilliant!!!

      • Nick

        Hilarious. Brightened up my lunchtime 😁
        Thankfully my own Burns Night dinner was much better 😊

        • Donna Sangster

          That was the funniest thing I’ve read for a while. I think Bob and Berta need to have their own cooking show

        • Theresa

          Absolutely pmsl at this one. Actually read it in their voices from the audio books. They need to do pancake day next

      • Annemarie dunlop

        Absolutely brilliant could not stop laughing. Definitely need to do more of them

      • Karen Gartside

        Oh yes please- much much more of those two! People think I am crazy because when I am ready or listening to those two I can’t help but just out laughing… wish I knew what luv they hang out in because my sister in law and I would be down there all the time! Please keep the Logan and Hoon books coming!! And for heavens sake NEVER let anybody narrate them except for Angus!! So much fun!! Thanks again,

        • Karen Gartside

          Well shite… maybe they could teach me to spell check as well… sorry… hope you can figure it out…ready = reading…just bursting out laughing, and luv seems to be my phones new word for pub…

    • anne Walker

      Omg what a post loved it miss them 2 😂😂😂😂😂

    • Eileen Brown

      Classic B&G .. love it! What will they conjure up for Valentine’s?

    • Louise

      Brilliant!! Had me laughing out loud! Thank you! 😊 👍

      • Gail

        Brilliant 🤩 Almost want to give it a shot. Actually a wee bit of whisky 🥃 might give it a boost!

    • Sally Rose Pethybridge

      Oh dear god. I nearly choked on that. Fucking magic. We need them to a cooking series. The modern Fanny and Johnny Craddock!

    • Julie Pryke

      Just hoping your daughter didn’t use it as a script for her audition!
      Thanks for cheering me up as usual.

      • Katie

        Great love these two yes would definitely like more please

    • Linda Black

      Same in Peterhead. Good to laugh. As they say in Glasgow Pure Dead Brilliant.

    • Linda

      I’d have a go at eatin it! And the rule of thumb is “if it’s broon it’s cooked and if it’s black? It’s buggert!”

  2. Kim curtis

    I have never laughed out loud so much! My husband thought I was having some kind of allergic reaction. This should be a weekly thing, “cooking with Bob and Berta” guaranteed to give you stitches!!!

    • Ann Lee

      Gary at the chippy had one leg longer than the other. Had to do a figure of eight to get to the till!!!!

      Well thank you for that I now cannot breathe from laughing so much.

      • Nancy Durham

        Nearly pished masel laughin, especially at Gary daein a ‘figure of eight’ tae get the the till. Thank feck for Tena Lady🤣🤣🤣

      • Margaret Ellis

        Loved it! Laughed and giggled all the way through it. Nearly choked on my tea at Gary in the chippy!!! More please!

        • Anne

          Well this has cheered me up on a really stressful day.
          Can just picture the two of them in the kitchen and Bob nearly strangling her.
          Can’t wait for next instalment

    • Michelle

      Omg! Hilarious! And I was practically done in by this “ I mean, they’re all the fucking same thing, just wrapped in a different way. It’s like Mexican Origami, or something.”

      Thank you for this treat!

    • Jacqueline Fidgeon

      Absolutely priceless.It can’t be long before they get their own half hour on the TV.

      • Pat

        Laughed out loud! Totally enjoyed this treat! Reading it, not cooking it.

    • Kate

      Brilliant, love them so much & would definitely watch THEIR cookery programme 🤭 😀

  3. Cheryl

    Thanks for the laughs. Celebrating Burns Night here in the US with some good whisky.

  4. Anne Drysdale

    Such a shame I’ve already had my Burns Supper tonight. Maybe next year…..NOT!
    P.S. I’ve cried laughing so much I’m now feeling sick. 🥴

    • JD Kirk

      Feeling sick? Are you sure it wasn’t the photos?

      • Diana Atkinson

        Cried laughing 🤣🤣🤣 brilliant as always!

      • Anne Drysdale

        They didn’t help but interestingly I forwarded this to my son (46) who thought the finished product looked tasty. Not sure this reflects well on my cooking when he was younger. 🤔

        • Ann Walker

          I thought it looked good too. That says a lot about my cooking.
          The figure of eight cracked me up. Brilliant. More please.

          • Jacqueline Fidgeon

            Absolutely priceless.It can’t be long before they get their own half hour on the TV.

    • Alison Marlow

      More cooking with Bob and Berta please! It’s way more realistic than the simpering celebrity chefs on TV.

  5. Jennie Hills

    Absolutely bloody hilarious!!!! A new age John and Fanny Craddock. 😂😂😂

    • Karen Bexon

      Hilarious. Absolutely brilliant.Love it. ‘Cooking with Bob and Berta’ needs to be a regular feature. Will there be a Pancake Day special,with tossing of the pancakes included? 😂😂😂

      • Steve Worsdale

        Hell yeah!!

  6. Karen Duffus

    Loved it more cooking commentary, loved the image of Gary the’re a fantastic writer

    • Laura Conlon

      Loved this, I laughed till I cried. More cooking with Bob and Berta please.

  7. Romy

    I wanna be there when Jamie Oliver gets panned! That was hilarious. More cooking with Bob and Berta please!

  8. Gordon

    If Carlsberg did cookery shows…

    • Katherine

      Loved this more please, tears running down my face.😂😂

  9. Julie Holmes

    My husband just asked if I was okay, I was laughing so much. Gordon Ramsay eat your heart out,lol!

  10. Kathy jones

    This is awesome. I could actually picture them doing this and laughing the whole time. I’m sure you could invite them back for more holidays. Valentine’s Day is coming soon. Just sayin.

    • Linda Hutton

      OMG! Yes please! Bob and Berta for Valentine’s Day …I might die laughing!

  11. Andrew Burns

    🤣🤣🤣 loved it

  12. Trish Wallace

    Rocky Science! We all know one ……

  13. fadgie

    holy sht a dysentery flag is next level, thank you for this!

  14. Lou Saunders

    How I wish there was an audible version with our Angus King narrating!

  15. Kerry

    I’m one of those bastards sticking to the Fahrenheit and laughed out loud at Bob and Berta. If the Hoon books are at an end, please give us the Bob and Berta cooking blog. They are my favorite cooking hosts.

  16. Dave Smith

    That’s hilarious, absolutely loved it 😂 😂 😂

  17. Susan Johnson

    Soo good! The words not the food! Laughing out loud, thanks for that!

    • Karen Willoughby

      Dysentery made a flag 🤣😂

  18. Teresa

    I should have known not to start reading this while drinking a smoothie – nearly choked to death! Brilliant!

  19. Jules

    Bldy hilarious!! Laughing out loud here! Let them do a weekly blog PLEEEASSSE!🤣

  20. Deb Hughes

    Laughing my head off at Gary from the chippy doing a figure of eight just to get to the till. That’s way too funny to not have him in the next book JD!

  21. Judith

    😂 The best cooking programme ever!

  22. Barbara Bainbridge

    That was off the scale funny . Whatever you’re on JD I want a barrel of it .

  23. Lou Ann Schafer

    I could fucking hear their voices as established by Angus. I swear you could make a book of just these shorts and me a bazillionaire

    • Helen

      It’s hilarious so funny. I loved it, Gary, and the figure of eight to get to the till.I would love more cooking with Bob and Berta.

      • Glenys Day

        It was absolutely brilliant can we have more from them please.

  24. Lynne

    All I can say is 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  25. Sally Ross

    What a brilliant way to start my day! That was hilarious! Comedy duo at its best! Might be an option with the leftovers.🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿😂🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

    • Monica Mapel

      Outstanding. More cooking with the Hoons. I love them both. 💗

  26. Trena

    Laughed so hard my juice came scooshing out my nose 🤣
    Bloody brilliant and I may even give a wee Rabbie Burnsito a go, I’ll let you know how it goes.
    Look forward to more episodes of Bib and Betts’s “online ‘hing” 😂

    • Trena

      Jesus, who the f**k are Bib n Betts?! Bloody autocorrect 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

  27. Pauline

    Brilliant, but not the best thing to read while your hubby is trying to sleep. 😂😂😂
    We need more of Bob and Berta.

  28. Alison

    The flag….oh my days too much

  29. Bernadette Johnstone

    I’m reading this early morning in Australia with a coffee by my pool – was cackling so loud the dog thought something was wrong! “Like dysentery had its own flag” was a right belter!! Thanks so much for this, cheered me up no end ( have a bad back just now so been getting good practice with Bob’s cursing 🤬 excellence)

  30. Graham Leslie

    This was nice late night gem to find. Fanny craddock got nothing on these two.

  31. Morag Barrie

    Oh my days! That was brilliant! Looks like Bob and Berta are nae done yet! They say you can put anything in a wrap? I wonder if Jamie Oliver has tried this! Pancake Tuesday is coming up! Hint hint! 😂😂😂
    Ps, I hope Bob washed his hands after the Santa incident! Jist sayin’. 😂😂😂

  32. Julie Carrick

    Omg that was hysterical. Please, please do more Bob and Berta. I’m still wiping my eyes from laughing so much 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  33. Heather Street

    I’m supposed to be getting ready for work but once I started reading this (had Angus King’s voice in my head, naturally) I couldn’t stop. Great start to the day – thanks Bob and Berta!

  34. Marion Smith

    Brilliant! No way can Bob and Berta be allowed to fade into oblivion. The scope is endless!

  35. Morven

    Thank you, brilliant 👏
    Nearly wet myself at the flag 😍

  36. Joan Frew

    Oh my goodness that was brilliant, I always say I’m not a fussy eater and that proves it, I’d eat that 😋

  37. Shona Blair Roughsedge

    Well, as It is now the day after Burns Night I shall have to wait until the weekend to try this delicacy. This well and truly made me laugh out loud, I had an vision of this as a tv programme, Fanny and Johnny Craddick style, which made it even funnier for me. Thank you for brightening up a dreary morning.

  38. Anne Mitchell

    I’m absolutely roaring here. My wee dog thinks I’m mental. That’s the best recipe I’ve ever seen. Wish I hadn’t gone traditional last night now! Thanks to Bob and Berta for cheering me up.

  39. Edythe

    Absolutely grand! I had to shut my office door so as not to alert my co-workers! Enjoying everything you write from New Jersey, USA. And Bob and Bertha are correct – just about all that goes into the over is tuned to 400*

  40. Mark Quinn

    Lololol, brilliant 😄😄😄👍

  41. Sheila McLean

    Berta: Gary at the chippie, mind? One leg longer than the other. Mind him? Had to do a figure of eight to get to the till.

    I’m still laughing. 😂

  42. Chester Studzinski

    Brilliant. Would love there to be an audio version, although getting actors to do it with straight faces would be a hard job. No….. impossible.

  43. Lynne

    Ha ha feckin hilarious! Loved this. I’m a bit late to the party -only just read it. My birthday is Burns night so always celebrate with haggis, neeps and tatties even though I live in England

  44. Stella Dubler

    ROFLMFAO! That was brilliant, definitely would not mind more of this!

  45. Vivien Done

    Sorry is spelling not good can’t see pebbly four tearc in my eyths . Don’t know If I have more fluid running down my cheeks or my chufff . And defi looked better than Fanny’s . Xx

  46. eni

    The flag – stroke of genius that!

    The recipe is right up my street. I once invented a dish called vomit (roughly mash carrots in with spuds – the name is self-explanatory once you see the results), and another one called ‘great tasteless waste’ (Morrisons used to run a campaign ‘great taste, less waste’, so it was just asking for a name adjustment).

  47. Janet Turnham

    Brilliant! Definitely needs to be a regular thing! And Valentine’s Day would be ideal…

  48. Peter

    Amazing as usual. Really funny and you could just see it in real life , not my life thank god.
    Still sending to me as VIP

  49. Kate carmichael

    Omg abs brill ma jaws r sore fae laughing so much, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣awe u defo cud c the 2 of them at it doin this , i love haggis , neeps n tatties gonna try this defo..

  50. Sheila

    Brilliant. Hope we see more of the “ Hoons” also more books with Bob. Reading your books is a tonic. Laugh,laugh and laugh. Can’t have a drink whilst reading. If your feeling down I recommend reading your books. You’ll feel so much better.

  51. Ged

    I’m picturing James Cosmo and Elaine C Smith doing this on the telly. It’ll never get aired, shame, as it’s fucking hilarious. Thanks Barry.
    In the middle of Eastgate just now, also brilliant and fucking hilarious! 🤬🤣😭

  52. margaret

    i couldn t stop laughing Bob and Berta are great double acts would love to see more of them,they really cheer you up

  53. Irene Paterson

    Brilliant – nearly choked on my French Toast. More please.

  54. Dave drew

    On a bit of a crappy day, this made me do 5-6 proper belly laughs…thank you so much this has cheered me up no end.

    I would love to see a cookery video like this on YouTube with actors playing bob n Berta…maybe a cameo from Jamie Oliver😂
    Quick question to mr Kirk/Barry, who do you see playing bob hoon in a big screen adaptation ?

  55. Heather R

    Ah, Bob and Berta, what a sweet pair of loving siblings. 🤣🤣🤣

    Soooo funny! Thanks JD. ❤️

  56. Susan Pull

    That is hilarious, when I finished the last book,I thought no that cant be the last of Bob,and Berta, they are a magical double act. My brother is Robert and his daughter is Roberta (Bobbie) so I try to put their images to these characters and the results have me in fits crying. Keep it up Brilliant.

  57. Ruth Hussong

    Absolutely hilarious! Even though I don’t know what haggis and neeps are, I’m finding out and maybe give this recipe a try. (my son will eat anything!) A blog from Bob and Berta would be a great way to start the day!! Oh, by the way, Eastgate was just the best!!!!

  58. Kitty Johnstone

    Bob and Berta… the mind boggles, but I can hardly type for laughing!!!
    I couldn’t help but compare them to some of the YouTubers out there, and at least Bob and Berta were entertaining. If you have a minute or two to spare, perhaps we could have another Cooking Segment at some point I the future?

  59. Ian

    This definitely beats the Wife’s cooking, and less swearing, too.

    Now decided on the ideal job for Boab; Speaker of the House (Commons). The thought of Boab controlling that shower of useless gits and dispensing appropriate (bloody) punishments to the miscreants would be a dream come true.

    PS: Having read the comments, are you no worried at the level of weirdos (self included) you’re attracting?

  60. John W

    Seems like a perfect accompaniment for a cheeky vintage bottle of Chateau Lafitte – sure Berta must have one stashed under the stairs.
    Jelly and Angel Delight for pud?
    Brilliant JD

  61. Morag Maich

    My daughter just came downstairs to check on my I was laughing so much 😂 🤣 They need their own show.

  62. Peter Capstick

    Brilliant. Best laugh I,ve had for ages.We all need more Hoon.

  63. Ann

    I nearly peed my pants at the Gary at the chippie story!! And, yes, PLEASE more Bob and Roberta!!!!

  64. Lizzie D

    OMG! I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying — can’t stop! This is brilliant and really needs to be made into a video! This “celebration” of Burns’ Night is the perfect topper to Eastgate, which I both read and listened to (several times) on Audible. And, yes, Yanks for the most part are stuck on the Fahrenheit thing but there are some of us in science careers who are capable of temperature conversion. The others couldn’t be arsed, probably never even heard of Celsius. Anyway, thanks for this hilarity as well as for Eastgate, which was brilliant as usual. AND MORE OF BOB & BERTA, PLEASE!!! Thank you, Mr. Kirk/Barry!
    ~ From a totally fanatic fan in Wyoming (the Cowboy State), USA

  65. Dot

    Thanks, what a way to start off my day. Love the way Bob & Berta interact with each other, absolutely hilarious. Please keep them coming. Cheers

  66. Rick

    Hi JD
    Would love to hear more about Bob, and Bertha, almost wet myself.

  67. Jill Craik

    Oh Barry….when I read this, the tears just ran down my legs! Thank you . Now I’m incontinent xxx.

  68. Jeannie

    It’s nearly midnight in California and I’ve laughed like a loon all the way through it! Loved it – it made my night! What a pair!

  69. Clare

    Brilliant!!! The Hoons are the best characters you’ve created!! Love to read more of them!

  70. Martin

    Stupidly I read this at my desk. Tried hard not to laugh out loud. I love the idea of their being different internets.

  71. Sheila Barclay

    Absolutely peeing myself reading this. It’s brilliant, just how I imagine them.

  72. Catherine Dale

    Really fucking hilarious 😂😂😂😂

  73. Sara O'Brien

    Brilliant! Love the Hoons.

  74. Kim

    Oh my god. Berta and Hoon about kill me every time. I don’t know if it’s because I talk like them, share their love of all humanity, or what. That was hilarious. MORE

  75. Yvonne

    Absolutely hilarious 😂 I love these two together. Laughing so much it hurts.

  76. Darrin Knight

    Away – “it’s no Rocky Science” – best line since Rob’s rant about dolphin propaganda.

  77. Laura

    Please definitely do more that was hilarious love these two characters

  78. Sunnie Muir campos

    I am pretty sure i wet my pants reading this. I hope you do more of them. I absolutely love Bob and Berta.

  79. Jan Norris

    Thank you so much for Bob and Bertie. Please have them out as often as possible. If they misbehave send them abroad to Carolina.They’ll fit here nicely, well, except for the iced tea thing we have going on. That recipe could use a dash or two of Carolina Reaper sauce and I just happen to have a bit on hand.