You may well not know this, but Alex Smith (author of the brilliant DCI Kett series) and I have written a few movie screenplays together, which are at various stages of development. We’re also – God help us – working on an idea with DCI Grimm author, David J. Gatward. More on that later.
Alex and I are always bouncing ideas around for new projects, and yesterday I mentioned an idea for a movie called ‘MIDGES’ in which an attempt by scientists to rid the Highlands of Scotland of the dreaded midge purge results in the accidental creation of a near indestructible species of ‘ubermidge’ that can strip the flesh from a grown man’s skeleton in seconds.
It was said as a bit of a joke, but during a break from writing, I put together a poster for the movie using the AI art software, MidJourney. this is what it looked like.
I shared it on my social media, and was amazed by the response from readers who didn’t just get the joke, but wanted to know how and when they’d be able to watch the finished production!
A couple of people suggested that Hoon should be one of the characters. I liked that idea and so, after I’d hit my word count for the day on the book I’m currently working on, I wrote the following short snippet from a scene.
I shared the above on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and people went crazy for it. It not almost feels like it would be rude not to make a horror movie in which disgraced former detective superintendent, Bob Hoon, must save the world from a swarm of genetically engineered killer midges.
So, if anyone wants to spot me a few million quid to get production underway, I’d very much appreciate it. You can even be in the film, being eaten alive while Bob and Berta Hoon watch helplessly (and largely disinterestedly) on.
Last night, before I went to bed, I mucked around with MidJourney again to create some stills from the film. I have no idea who any of these characters are, but I don’t have high hopes for their survival.
Seriously, why has no-one made this film yet. Terrifying…but I know Hoon would save the day!
I wouldn’t because I don’t like horror films but I know a lot of people who would. Make it a horror comedy and into a book and I will read
I love the idea of a midge comedy horror film/book. The Hoons would do it justice
As our cinema is over 100 miles away in Inverness, we’d have to wait ’til it’s out on iplayer if BBC have the sense to run with this! 😄
Get cracking, then.
I don’t have all bloody day …
Sounds a great film , but we need the whole team involved … Shona will be useful doing the science bit !
I would absolutely go and see anything with Hoon in it and add some flesh stripping midges and it’s a marriage made in heaven!
I would 100% rush to see this if was to become a film. As long as boy band made a cameo!!! 😂 he nearly died you know!!!!
I would count the hours until I could see the premier. I would would totally volunteer as an extra to be in it. Call me!
Watch it? Showed your posts to my partner (he’s not a reader unfortunately) and he wants to see it in the Cinema in Fort William. So hurry up and get it done 😂
Rush??? No Way!
No need to as I’d be camped out there waiting to be first in line!!
Just gotta love Hoon, Berta and Boy Band team!
Bring it on I say!
I certainly would like to watch a movie about killer midges if you wrote the script! Greetings from Vienna, Austria!
Where can I preorder the DVD and the merch?
Yes please!
Get writing and if I win the Lottery I will send the money 💰😭 lol 🤣.
Honestly though I would definitely go see this .
To be honest, I’d probably rush to read/listen to your shopping list! 🤣 I don’t really ‘do’ horror films but love crime/thrillers with dark humour! If you can’t make a film, how about an audible production like ye old’n days of radio? That would be awesome 👌
He’ll yes, I want to see how you see the characters too!
If I had the money, I would definitely invest in anything you have a hand in writing!
What would Cal Carver do?
I’d definitely be there with hubby in tow, although he doesn’t read crime (Simon Scarrow Roman legions are his ‘thing’) he listens to me laughing so often and asks if I’m really reading about murders etc….he just doesn’t understand bless him. I’d contribute too if I won the lottery
Well i thinks its an absolute genious idea…. 1st of all any tv show/ film with hoon in would be an instant hit. Hes fast becoming my fave character and the set of 4 hoon books simply must be made into movies!! This midge thing id be wanting to go and see and already thing id be terrified by a good terrified where you know you gotta watch it even though its gunna have bits in that will have you hiding behind your hands!! Damn it. Wish i had a few million to give you! Lets starts a crowd funding to get it made 🤣
Hoon doesn’t believe the scientist, that uber midges are possible. He tries the serum himself to prove it. Now Uber-Hoon is one of them. Logan, Shona and Boyband not only need to rid themselves of the uber midges, but also save Hoon from himself and all humanity.
I’ve got a fiver that’s willing to get in on the action!
I most certainly would be rush to front of queue with popcorn & Pespi Max. I’d probably come out bitten alive by midges knowing my luck.
Would love to see Bob & Berta Hoon in it. Whom would he call tae help?? Whom would he help knowing Bob it’ll be himself
I think the ubermidge already exists in Shetland! I would definitely watch this film- if you send it to Shetland!
This would be worth a GoFundMe page. Boyband should try out a selection of bizarre home-made midge-proof apparel, or maybe the midges could become glued in his hair gel, dying in slow agony (can you hear a million ubermidges scream?). Hoon and Berta could let loose with a couple of purloined flame-throwers, setting the ancient Caledonian forest ablaze ………
Lololol, brilliant 😄👏👏. Can I be an extra in it ?? Maybe a lab scientist in the background or an unsuspecting tourist visiting the Highlands and having my skin stripped aff ma bones 🙏🏻👍👏
Reminds me of Para Handy and his story about Midges. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ja00r7FBxU&ab_channel=AliTob
Look at Tighnabruaich! – they’re that bad there they’ll bite their way through corrugated iron roofs to get at ye!
Go for it! Anyone who’s been camping in the Highlands will totally get it. And yes, Hoon should definitely be in it!
This really has the makings of Horror Cult Movie and I mean that in a Good way. I love the Idea of “MIDGES” and so will a lot of people. I would definately be first in the Q to watch this as a Movie.
Could be a good one for the Space Team. A cluster of Highland Midges are beamed up by a passing craft and eventually develop into the wee bastards with big appetites! Up to Cal and the team to save the day. Can you imagine the fun as the midges work their way into every gap and orifice as the team try to stem the tide?
Midges as an audible book, narrated by Angus King – best combo ever – JD Kirk & Angus King!
What an awesome plot for a movie. I can just imagine Bob Hoon’s lines now. Go for it JD.
there must be a scene where the midges eat someone starting with the eyelids… cause that’s where the midges start
Don’t forget the one’s that fly up your nose.
Remember the mustard mines?
I cannot believe you even need to ask. If it has Bob and Berta in it, I am in…..I would even pay $100 for the ticket.
I would see that in a heartbeat! Hoon is a must character, yes, lots of Hoon. Can you imagine the “Hoon-isms?”
I have spent a lot of my time in northern Wisconsin, USA. It’s like a bad horror movie having your blood drained by mosquitoes!
I can relate, I will have my movie snacks ready for a night of ubermidges!!!!
Not so sure about film with midges can’t stand the blighters give me the creeps. But if anyone can get tid of them it’s definitely Hoon without a doubt. Good Luck x
Pic No. 6
Know just how he feels! Been there, done that, did it again, and again. Fishing Loch Lomond, big hat, two lit fags being eaten alive. Never going back to West of Scotland mid summer onwards, Spring, early summer and Autumn ok. But as soon as those frigging midges appear….RUN!!!
Hi JD contrary to what people have to say, but I have got an instant liking to
D.I.Heather.She calls a spade a bloody spade and won’t take any shite off anybody.
The bats will save the day ! Soprano pipistrelles eat about 3000 to 3500 midges a night so they are your friends
If it contained a scene where the midges refused to eat fried pizza and Irn Bru got a mention, in addition to it being very Scottish (take from that wat you will) and be very funny and still gory, yes, I would watch it.